Introspection and How to Work Out What to do With Your Life - w/ Melissa Monte

Sam Studio sound: [00:00:00] Have you ever followed the instructions, done all the right things, only to look up and realized that you are completely lost? You are chasing the success that you see in your friends or on social media. You're following the path that everyone else expects, and yet you are left with a quiet, nagging feeling that this can't be all there is to life. , welcome to the Growth Mindset Psychology Podcast, where we are looking into the science of self-improvement. And we aren't looking for quick fixes. We are ready to explore the psychology and philosophy of building a life that feels right on the inside and not one that just looks good on the outside. I am your host, Samuel Webster Harris.

And today we have someone who has certainly made plenty of mistakes on their way to working out a life for them, but has become very good at helping people find a life that is right for them.

And she is Melissa Monte, the [00:01:00] host of the Wildly Successful Mind Love podcast. .

And she's a lot of fun and has a great voice for listening to her story. Isn't one of overnights success Exactly, but a journey that took her through her share of trauma, failure, self-sabotage, silly mistakes, and even a jail cell.

Throughout the episode, we will be repeatedly looking into the critical question of how do you stop listening to the world and finally start trusting yourself. And how can you transform your biggest failures from sources of shame or disappointment into the very guideposts that will lead you into a life of purpose that you can enjoy?

Throughout the conversation, we'll be learning from Melissa some practical steps that she took to start rebuilding her life and had some really practical exercises that are often overlooked It can give anyone clarity when they're a bit unsure on what to do with their life or how to find the thing that feels like it's missing, so stay with us because it's a really practical episode with some nice wholesome stories to help us learn the processes in a practical [00:02:00] way rather than just. Hitting you with some generic advice about how to find yourself

Okay. Welcome to the Growth Mindset Psychology podcast, Melissa Monte.

Meet Melissa Monte: Host of Mind Love Podcast

Melissa: Thank you so much for having me.

Sam Studio sound: My absolute pleasure. So on the show, we are on a quest to work out for ourselves. What is a life well lived? And on your show. You give a lot of help to people to find their own version of happiness for them.

So I'd love to hear the ideas that you keep coming back to on this topic as far as your own personal philosophy on life is concerned.

Melissa's Philosophy on Life

Melissa: Sure. I've really kind of spent my whole life trying to find it. But what I've noticed in the last five years especially, what keeps coming up for me is this whole idea of self-love, growth, whatever we're working towards, all comes back to knowing yourself. I. Knowing yourself includes being willing to spend quiet time alone.

Not always be distracted, not always be scrolling or watching or consuming in some way. You have to stop and ask yourself those [00:03:00] questions. And so for me, when I was younger, figure out who I was based on the people around me. Like, oh, well my best friend likes this, so so do I. Or, this is the cool thing, so this is what I'm gonna go.

For, or this is what everyone says success looks like, so that's what I'm gonna follow and wondering why no matter where, when I got there.

Overcoming Traumas and Finding Purpose

Melissa: It was really through processing my own traumas and some of the horrible things that happened in my life in my early twenties that showed me how to get there. And so it seemed like my rock bottom or some decision I made that nearly ruined my life, but really all it was doing was guiding me towards a higher purpose.

And so for me, I had to kinda get slapped in the face by life before I realized that I don't take subtle hints. Well, apparently. But once I actually finally started to listen and to discern between my inner voice and my programming, then I started how to actually fulfill myself even if it didn't look like what it looked like for other people.

And so that's really been my journey now. And one part that I find fun about it is that I'm still exploring. I think that. Through the rest of [00:04:00] my life, I will keep finding layers of myself and the new ways to find that fulfillment or find that peace or find a way that I can give some purpose in this world.

And so I'm still in the middle of my journey, but so far I feel like I'm on the right track.

Sam: Ooh, well put, I, I think we're gonna get along pretty well there. I, I'm intrigued actually, to hear more about the moment where you said that you were stopped by life a few times that made you realize things like what was it that made you check yourself and consider that maybe you were doing something wrong?

Rock Bottom and Turning Points

Melissa: oh yeah, so I had a pretty great life growing up. I was like an honor student. I got really good grades. I had a lot going for me according to the people around me. But like I said, I mean, I don't think any teenager fully knows who they are and was looking in all the wrong places.

Well, I ended up, I. Being sexually assaulted when I was 15, and then the next year I lost a really close friend to suicide. I was sexually assaulted again, and then I lost my dad all in a very short period of time. And so I handled this by self-sabotaging even more. As little sense as that makes [00:05:00] these things that happened to me really affected my self-worth.

And I thought that I could just overpower them with positivity. But what ended up happening by my unwillingness. To look at it or to sit with it or to process. It just started to affect my subconscious and so the beliefs that I held about myself were affecting the way that I approached the world, and I made a lot of bad decisions.

I was the only way to actually not feel what I was going through was through numbing. So I was. Partying like five nights a week, uh, was doing copious amounts of drugs. I developed a really severe case of bulimia and I was dating all the wrong people who treated me the same, that the same way I treated myself, which wasn't really good.

And so I ended up in a pretty horrible relationship with a sociopath that throughout our relationship, I found out just one by one that he was. Addicted to alcohol. He was addicted to meth. I found out about six months in. His dad died the weekend I met him though. So I was making a lot of excuses for his behavior because I was like, I'm gonna [00:06:00] love you the way I wish people loved me when I was going through all that.

And so he was also cheating on me. And then the final. Straw was, I found out he was secretly robbing houses. And the way I found this out is that I was arrested with him. And so I ended up being a situation where if I went to trial to prove my innocence, he also had to go to trial because our cases were connected.

And long story short, I took a felony for someone else's crimes and I was in a jail cell. Trying to figure out where to throw up my food. And that was the exact rock bottom that I needed to say, oh my gosh, I've ruined my life. And I remember sitting there thinking like, when I was a kid, I would be playing like Super Mario Brothers and I'd lose a life too early.

So I'd just pressed the reset button and start over. 'cause I wanted to go in with like a clean slate and full life force. And I just remember thinking about that while I was sitting in this jail cell thinking this is gonna be with me forever. I can't press the reset button on this. It was really that, where do I go from here?

That spoke to the rest of my life and I had a choice. Eventually after some wallowing and some numbing after that, it [00:07:00] was like, what do I do? And instead of focusing on all of my limitations, like, oh, I can't do this, or I can't do that. I decided to use my limitations more as guideposts steering me in the direction I could go.

And I thought, well, what can I do with no one else's permission?

Rebuilding Life Through Digital Marketing

Melissa: And that's when I started to teach myself digital marketing, which I did for 10 years. I ended up winning contests that set up my freelance career. And then when I finally decided to launch my own thing, I knew how to grow it. Thankfully, that felony could have been the worst moment of my life, but it ended up pointing me exactly in the direction that I needed to go.

Sam Studio sound: Wow. Thanks for sharing the story. It is, uh, it's one of those weird paradoxes in life that we can go out of our way to avoid bad things from happening. Yet often it's like these difficult moments and disasters that we find ourselves in that make us who we are or in fact just make the best stories and memories, uh, honestly.

Anyway, do you think that you could become the person you are without these bad things happening to you that pushed you to think more about your mindsets [00:08:00] and self-improvement and how could you replicate that for other people?

The Power of Adversity and Self-Development

Melissa: It's so rare to talk to someone that doesn't believe that they've had any sort of trauma, but if you have not gone through anything, and then the first thing you go through is a breakup that feels like a life trauma, and so we all have these things. It just depends on how much does it hurt.

Does the pain of change, does that feel less than the pain of staying where you are? And so for some people, that takes a lot more life hitting them in the face than it does for others. For other people, it might be like, oh, well I lost a job. This isn't going very well. I need to go deep into introspection or whatever it is.

And for me, I need to get a little bit further down to reach that. And so I think the people that do seek out some sort of self-development already have that feeling. They want to be a little bit more intentional with their life. And I think that. That's all it really takes, and however it takes you to get there, you do have to have that willingness.

I don't think I've ever been able to go up to somebody that thinks they're completely happy with their life and make them decide to start doing mindset work. [00:09:00] So yeah, we, we all get there in different ways, but I think no matter what way, we do find our way there, it's exactly how we're supposed to.

Sam: Ooh, yeah. That that's beautiful and it's, I think it's something you notice as you get older that. Everyone does move at their own pace and down their own path. But often people do end up arriving one way or another at some introspection about who they are and what works for them. And uh, and it's really nice to see them when they like do get there and that they're just like in their place That's right for them.

Sam Studio sound: But yes, when we are growing up, we see all these ideas around us of what success is or what indicators to look out for to say we're doing well in life, which we might hopefully get a sneaky suspicion at some point. Isn't right or real. And maybe we don't even like doing the things that other people say is cool. Or maybe the entrepreneur that doesn't stop working isn't actually that happy. And perhaps we don't aspire to be stressed all the time. Um, so yeah.

How do you get people to develop a mindset of working out for themself, what their [00:10:00] happiness is on their terms, rather than seeking happiness through what they see on media or societal standards?

'cause it's, uh. Because it's definitely a question. I I come back to a lot.

Raising a Child with Growth Mindset

Melissa: This is gonna be my greatest exploration. I have a three month old right now, and so I'm very interested in how I'm going to help him develop some of the things that took me the long way to learn and seeing if I can kind of shorten that up. Be a little bit more aware. When do I feel my happiest? What triggers me?

What really lights me up? Like asking myself those questions and actually feeling it inside rather than like, oh, this is the next thing to chase. It comes from two different spaces. I feel there were so many times that I felt fomo or felt left out or felt urgency when something else was going on, like I was gonna miss out on something.

And I've really spent a lot of time trying to figure out why. And I really believe that. It's like I felt if I didn't show up to certain things that I would. Wouldn't be remembered. For me, the greatest teachings I've learned from myself is when I just have [00:11:00] a willingness to slow down and ask myself a question and see what comes up.

And so often we think, oh, well, I already know all the answers to these questions, but we're not actually processing it. We're not actually sitting there and listening to our wisdom. And so all of that other things, they could be programming. It could be what we've seen around, because those are the first images that pop up.

Up and so it was really when I started taking that time to be a little bit more introspective and allow new answers to come up that I started to feel more guided. For me with my son, I'm gonna start asking him those questions. When he is younger, what did you love about that experience? What could have gone better?

Who did you feel drawn towards? Just, just different questions to show how to interact with himself in a way that I, I wasn't taught. And it took really reading a lot of books to, to find those, those little pieces of wisdom. And so I'm excited to see how it goes. But this is my first child, so I'm not sure what the results are going to be.

And I think, like I said, my. Way of finding my purpose or finding my path was different from somebody else. And so I think maybe what works for my kid won't work for somebody else's [00:12:00] kid. And so it really does take playing with those relationships.

Sam Studio sound: Well, yes, we, we definitely have to learn from life kicking us in the face, uh, a lot for sure. But, um, yeah, I have to ask. Have you found ways to teach people, um, these sorts of mindsets that develop in your life from overcoming difficult things without the person going through some kind of terrible disaster where everything does go tits up because Yeah, it's, it's something that I've really struggled to replicate.

And I don't really plan on intentionally ruining people's lives to teach them a lesson, but it sometimes does make you think that. Perhaps some more things should just go wrong and they might learn from it. Um,

Melissa: Oh yeah. A hundred percent. I think people do need to find their own mistakes, I think. I don't think life is about figuring out how to not make mistakes.

It's about figuring out how to learn from them. And so I'm not going to be trying to shield my child from things I needed a lot of those lessons. I. I hope I can parent him in a way where he needs a few less lessons to get to where I, I got to, [00:13:00] but my role is going to be allowing him to fall and then being there to show him how to work through it afterwards to not let a failure affect what he believes himself to be capable of, or.

Not let something create a fear that's going to stop him from taking risks in the future. I think trying to have a life without these lessons, I really believe it's the contrast that helps you feel the joy. And so the depths of my pain is also the height of my joy. And so not saying that everybody needs to have that deep of pain, but if you're, if you're shielding yourself from all of it, I think you kind of end up with a numbness that shield shields yourself from the joy and the excitement.

Sam Studio sound: Definitely I think this applies to a a lot of life. Like we, we talk about finding balance often, but it's not necessarily about being in the middle as such as inhabiting the extremes. But in a healthy way where we balance out visiting both sides of them. 'cause it actually makes you enjoy the variety of life more and can do it in like a more intense manner.[00:14:00]

Like, uh, what do I mean? Um, so it's in that you can only enjoy relaxing truly if you've worked hard or water tastes best when you're really thirsty.

And yeah, I think this is a cool concept that I actually want to be more active about making myself do things that are more fully engaged and less flippy, floppy in the middle. Uh, but anyway, uh, the other component here, of course is, uh, knowing yourself and the things that create balance in the most special way for you, that does light you up.

As you said, it's easy to be like distracted and have your time and thoughts consumed by different things that come up to you in life . Or be taken up by your friend's interests or hobbies, demands of a job that isn't your calling, et cetera.

Sam Studio sound: Okay, we're going to have a short break for some advertisers, and then we will be back to learn about how to actually take on the task of finding out who you are, how to understand your emotions, and how to decide what to do with your life. So see you on the other side.

[00:15:00]

Sam Studio sound: So yeah. How do you recommend people take on the challenge of actually working out who they are?

Or could you at least explain maybe like what worked for you?

Introspection and Self-Discovery

Sam: Yeah, I am. I think it's a lot of introspection. What I knew about myself a few years ago may have changed to this year, but I've also been in different experiences between that time I was out of my rock bottom. I was already on a growth path three years ago. Even to this day, when I feel myself triggered, instead of assuming that it's the trigger's fault, I ask myself, what is unprocessed?

Melissa: What do I still need? And a lot of times in that process I end up figuring out. Something else. It might be something else that brings me joy or something some other way. I can handle a situation. And so a willingness to look back on, on what we've done and process it. And that doesn't mean to have any regrets about it.

I could have so many regrets about my life and the decisions that I've made. But instead, I chose to see it through the lens of why did this happen for me? What is this steering me towards? What can [00:16:00] I do from here instead of looking at, can't do this. Whatever it it is. And so just taking a few moments and asking yourself questions after an experience, before an experience.

When you feel something big, oh, I feel so excited. What's driving this right now? Is it the people that I'm with? Or is it just that I'm out dancing? What is it? You know? And asking yourself those things because then later on when I'm like, I feel so down, I'm like, remember how lit up I felt when I was just dancing at that concert?

Can I dance right now? Can that shift my energy? Take note of what happens then. And so I think so often we're just. Taking the next action and not really thinking about it that much, but just an extra thought or an extra feeling of presence or awareness to say, well, what this moment, what do I feel right now that can tell you so much about who you are and the way you move in this world, who you're drawn to, what you can focus on that's actually sustainable instead of just something that is being shown to you that seems bright and shiny for the moment.

I mean, I chased the wrong purposes. Until I took that introspection about like [00:17:00] what am I endlessly curious about? When have been my happiest moments, when I think about my strongest memories, what was I feeling in those moments? All of those things spoke to what my values are, what drives me, what motivates me, what I am endlessly curious about, and so.

Each thing. It wasn't some big aha moment, it was just a willingness to be in the present moment, and then eventually you start to spot patterns that give you a clearer picture of, of who you are, who you wanna be, and how you're gonna get there. So it's a process that I think I'll be going through in my entire life, but again, it's simple and it's just an extra moment of awareness.

Sam Studio sound: Yeah, that's, that's really cool. Thanks. And, uh, again, something I feel that we learn usually by making a bunch of mistakes and logic into things that aren't quite right for us. Like, I certainly feel like I've had some similar experiences with, uh, running businesses or relationships where on paper it was a thing that I, I really wanted,

but then I found myself being drawn further and further away from who I actually want to be just day by day. And the [00:18:00] reality is I really enjoy being calm, curious, and free to pursue my interest without a bundle of stress. And actually most businesses don't create that lifestyle that you're looking for.

. And of course the same with relationships where you might have these ideas of the qualities of a potential partner by the things they like and do, their hobbies, et cetera. But usually it's more like simple of just how they make you feel when you are around them and how free you are to be yourself just in like your simple mannerisms and like personal indies rather than perhaps more the noticeable, quantifiable ways that we might define ourselves by.

Sam: I think the most important thing that has helped me find anything, I think that emotions are like guidance for people.

Melissa: And so when you're going somewhere and you feel a pit in your stomach, take note of that. It might take you a while to figure out what that is. Like I've talked about the difference between your inner wisdom and your programming, and so when you feel that, then start, ask questions about that feeling.

There have been times where I feel like, no, I should not be going on this path, [00:19:00] or I should not be making this decision. And then I ask myself, well, is this. Based on love or fear, because not every time that I feel that desire to stop or to maybe I shouldn't take that risk doesn't necessarily mean I should stop.

There's sometimes where that feeling is just coming from self-doubt or from past failures, and so the willingness to sit with the feeling and ask yourself questions about the feeling will ask, well, is this coming from love or a doubt in myself, or is this coming from love? No, I shouldn't take this because I get a bad feeling about this person and I know I deserve more, or I'm not gonna take this opportunity because I want this other opportunity that lights me up more.

And so it's not just the feelings that are guiding you or that are so obviously guiding you, it's, it's sitting with those feelings and asking what's underneath it. And so the more that I do that, the faster the answers come. When you're hanging out with friends, like, what about this feels so fun? What is turning me off?

What is making me wanna go home? Is it the people's energy? Is it just that I need alone time? Like all of these things, just that extra moment can open yourself up. [00:20:00] You know who you are, how you move in the world, and what draws you toward it, what repels you against it? And so our, our relationships with ourselves are the most relationship.

Important relationships that we have, and the more that we have those inner dialogues, the more we will recognize our own guidance.

Sam Studio sound: yes. Yeah, that's, that's perfect advice. I, I feel like when I try to explain this concept, I, uh, I sometimes sound like I'm just bipolar. 'cause on the one hand they'll be like, yeah, we could be incredibly intuitive. And often there is an emotion or underlying feeling that we should really. Listened to and on the opposite direction, it's like, well, you know, our initial hunches and emotions can be completely wrong.

Like. All of our psychological biases that we ever experience are experienced as emotions, and they're mostly wrong then, every single person with an attachment issue or most types of personality disorders are essentially people who experience emotions that are screwing up their decisions.

So in fact, their biggest challenge in life is to get some introspective distance from their emotions and to question [00:21:00] them and not to follow them blindly. So, yeah, as you were saying, they should really think more about why is that emotion coming up and what might it be telling them, but be open-minded to the fact that the emotion might just be an indicator of something else.

As you said, the, uh, importance of recognizing is it a place of love or is it coming from a place of fear? That's, uh, yeah. That's perfect. Thanks. Um.

All right. On the topic of big decisions, what was it that made you go into podcasting then? Did you just wake up one day with a sudden realization that your purpose was to podcast? 'cause I, I feel like there's probably more to this than something that simple.

Early Ventures and Lessons LearnedIntroduction to Podcasting Journey

Sam: Well, I made the wrong decisions first. I had a marketing background, so I did know how to grow things, and so I was watching what people were growing. I was listening to business, podcasts and getting ideas, and at one point we started a website that was an e-commerce website because the domain was available.

Melissa: Gifts for teen boys. It's got buyer's intent. I know how to market this, I know how to use Pinterest for this. And so we [00:22:00] built it, my husband and I, and then it was about a month and a half in when people actually started coming to the site buying. And I don't even know if I like teenage boys, like, what am I doing?

So, which is gonna change now that I have a child that's a boy.

Discovering True Passion

Melissa: But then I started to travel blog and I was like, who doesn't wanna get paid for travel? And so I started to work. I was getting a lot of free travel. Then I realized. The last thing I want when I'm at the top of Machu Picchu is to be live streaming and then have to go home and write about what to do.

That doesn't light me up. Just the travel lights me up. This is more my escape. And so then I shut down that.

Self-Reflection and Purpose

Melissa: Finally, I remember sitting there thinking, what is my purpose? I have too many interests, and so I actually started to do all of the cheesy exercises at the end of books that I always skipped over.

You think like just 'cause you're absorbing the information that. You're going to integrate the lessons without actually doing the work. And that's not how it worked for me. And so I sat there and I wrote down my happiest moments, what was I feeling in [00:23:00] those moments? And it kind of drilled down to what my top values were, which were freedom, excitement, and learning.

And then I asked myself, what does my perfect day look like? And so. When have I felt most empowered? And so just asking myself these questions to try to guide myself down a path.

Identifying Strengths and Superpowers

Melissa: And, and the final one that really gave me a lot of insight into an outside perspective of who I was, was I wrote a letter to 11 different people that I knew from different areas of my life.

Like an old employee, my old roommate, my mom, an old boss. And I asked them, Hey. I am doing this entrepreneurship course and I need to ask what my superpower is. If I had a superpower, what would it be? And I got all these answers back that you're good at taking information from a lot of sources and delivering it in a way that people can understand.

You're good at teaching. You explain things in, uh. A way that I can understand, or you're really good at simplifying complex ideas. And so I started to see myself in a way that I hadn't really before. [00:24:00] I never really thought of myself as a teacher because I had never been in that role, but apparently I had been teaching people things for years That, and then finally drilling down, well, what does my perfect day look like?

Where are my strengths? What do I normally get caught up on? And.

Choosing the Right Medium

Melissa: I had been focusing on an idea of a blog, but I knew that whenever I write, I get caught in my head. And then as far as a video went, like a YouTube channel, I can always talk myself out of being on camera. And so. I started thinking, well, people have commented on my voice or the way that I explain things.

The Birth of the Podcast

Melissa: What about a podcast? And so every decision that became the podcast was narrowing down. I'm endlessly curious about the power of the mind. I want to expand my network was a goal of mine. So I decided to do an interview show. I wanted to. Speak instead of be on video or write. And so all of these things were questions I asked myself about what feels easy to me, what feels like I'm always climbing uphill, all [00:25:00] of those things.

And so it took me months, but when I finally got it, I felt so confident in that decision because I knew that every aspect of it was coming from an aspect of who I was.

Sustaining Passion and Growth

Melissa: And. It was the first thing in about 10 years that I had actually followed through with and kept going, and even now we're three and a half years in.

And it still lights me up every day. I still get excited when I'm like, oh, who am I interviewing next? Or What am I talking about next? And yes, it was a very intentional plan and I'm so grateful that I did that work finally, because I could have gone another 10 years chasing all the wrong things if I wouldn't have just hit that point.

There have been other people that have kind of led the way because. A lot of those exercises that I did, I've, I've learned from other people that had already found their purpose. That's what I work with people now on finding, figuring out a purpose that's not only profitable, but also sustainable because the profit part is important too.

As a marketer, [00:26:00] I definitely also looked for what is there a need for, and kind of matched where I was going and what was needed and that. Perfect kind of symbiotic choice helped me develop a business that I actually was able to start making money from pretty immediately.

Sam Studio sound: Wow. Yeah. I, uh, I love how that came from such a natural set of different questions that slowly pushed you more in the direction that works for you and yeah, it's amazing how, naturally the result fits you. Because I, I totally agree with what your friends said , around the fact that you have a great way of saying and teaching things and a very easy voice and, uh, angle to listen to.

So, yes. Uh, good, good work from your friends and yourself there. And, uh, I guess I would have a question of, even though you already had a lot of qualities already there, I'm sure you had to then learn a lot as well. So what do you think has been your most important lessons from podcasting since you then jumped into it?

Podcasting Skills and Insights

Sam: I think podcasting has helped me become a better listener because I am listening to people's [00:27:00] answers and crafting a lesson. That's how I create my podcast. So when I'm hearing things, I'll notice keywords. I kind of notice what somebody's trying to portray, and my other questions will. Go around that lesson because I like to theme my episodes in one way.

Melissa: And so I'm like, oh, she sounds most passionate when she's talking about this. Let's go farther down that rabbit hole. And what that's helped me to do is actually, it's helped me become faster in, in every moment in life because I see patterns more clearly. And I will be doing something sort of mundane and.

It's like my brain has now been tuned to find the lesson in this. And so even just the other day, I was going on a walk and I was wearing my baby. I was walking my dog, I was also drinking a tea and I had my AirPods in and I was trying to find a podcast and I was in a dead zone. And so I was getting frustrated 'cause I don't wanna finish this walk without this.

And immediately I'm frustrated at this limitation. Use my own lesson, use my limitations as guideposts. [00:28:00] Maybe in this moment I don't need to be consuming more information. Maybe I just need to be in this present moment. I'm doing enough things. I'm actually quadruple tasking right now. And so I just stopped and instead the whole walk became.

Noticing the birds and the lake that I was walking next to. And by the time I got home, I was so much more at peace than any of the walks that I had gone to. And so even just in that moment, you don't need to be absorbing more. I think we can get so caught up in consumption instead of just being and being okay with that or creation.

And so I find myself seeking a deep lesson in some of the smallest things, and I really think that comes from. How I've been training my brain through three and a half years of talking to people and finding their lessons. It's taught me a lot though, just in conversation skills and how to still shine as myself while creating something that's needed in the world.

How to connect with people, what people end up. I [00:29:00] get a lot of lessons from the feedback from my listeners, and again, kind of the willingness to look for those lessons.

Epiphanies and Personal Growth

Melissa: I can find a lesson in almost every aspect of what I'm doing right now, and that has come from this path that I've taken and, and what I speak about, and it's interesting because I did an episode once on epiphanies and how there's a science behind epiphanies.

Every really successful person, if you ask them, what's an epiphany that you had in your life? Almost all of them have this moment that gave me the insight to make this product that made me a millionaire or this moment that gave me the insight. But not a lot of non-successful people have those. Not all of them do.

And again, I think even in my life I had had a lot of epiphanies, but it wasn't until I sat and looked at like, when was that epiphany? And I actually made a moment of that. That moment was such a big lesson for me. That then that became my epiphany, but I [00:30:00] could have just skipped over it in my life. And so I think it's something that successful people have in common with people that are on a growth path, is that willingness to look back and figure out your lessons instead of just coasting through.

And we have so many ways to just numb ourselves out to all these lessons we have. Tv, scrolling through Instagram, drinking, whatever people's vices are that allow them to be just a little bit disconnected from that present moment. But instead of finding a way to get just outside of it, I'm now looking for ways to get a little bit deeper into that present moment.

And I think. That is where a lot of the lessons are. That's where the feelings are, the emotions in the moment that are going to guide me to my next step. And so, uh, I could talk forever about what I've learned from my podcast, but a lot of it just comes back to, again, being in the present moment and having a little bit more awareness there so that you can have a little bit more intention on the next step.

Sam Studio sound: that's wicked. Oh [00:31:00] man. For myself, as far as interviews are concerned, I certainly struggle from the, um, raging need to always identify a lesson in anything which sort of makes you present in one sense, whilst also stops you from being completely present and can take away some of the ability to just appreciate, because I guess there's, uh, something about

the state of looking for lessons that puts you in a place of always wanting to add value or of course in an interview you can't fully relax anyway 'cause you've always got to guide where to go next.

But, uh, anyway, more generally, I do think stepping back a bit to be more effective or philosophical to ask what something is teaching you is, is definitely one of the most important parts about the growth mindset and, uh, self-help in general, because that's where the most important life come from, after all.

And, uh.

For me, self-help definitely isn't about just some lessons you read in a book It's definitely about listening to yourself and learning how to ask yourself those questions and take them and really be honest about the areas that you could do better in , or the lessons that you need to learn and, and haven't been [00:32:00] learning.

And yeah, like you said, it can even uncover breakthroughs that lead to a great business idea or career change and that can completely change how you show up in life just by simply sitting down with some questions that are a little hard to answer.

Sam Studio sound: Okay, we are taking another short break. Sorry about that. If you want to skip all the adverts, you can join our premium there for literally just a dollar .

Now you never have to listen to any adverts on the show again.

And sadly my network has told me that I have to put more adverts on

otherwise I have a problem. And I kind of need to keep the show running. So it is what it is. But after a few minutes of adverts, we will be back to find out some of the best tips from Alyssa for how to growth hack a podcast or any project, and how to use a growth mindset to get the best out of yourself and actually reach your potential.

So catch you on the other side.

Sam Studio sound: So anyway, staying on topic of both your podcast and capturing good ideas. What do you think you did best when it came to growing your podcast and [00:33:00] actually getting it out there?

Melissa: for sure.

Overcoming Challenges

Melissa: The very first thing I did, and the lesson of this will make sense when I'm done, is I remember the day I was actually launching my podcast and I had planned to go to WeWork, which was my co-working space, and basically tell as many people I as I could about my podcast that day.

There were a lot of fires in California and. When I stepped outside, all excited and dressed cute to tell everybody I knew about my podcast, it was just a dark haze, and I knew that there would be hardly anybody at WeWork that day. And again, it was one of those, how do I use this limitation as to speak to what I do next?

And. I ended up going to the nearest CVS, the nearest pharmacy and buying out all of the smoke masks and going to WeWork, and I sat on floor two, posted on the WeWork network free smoke masks on floor two, and every time somebody came down, I'd give them a smoke mask, but I'd also tell them about my podcast and see if they would write me my first review.

So I spent the day helping people create [00:34:00] apple IDs, showing them how to leave a review, sometimes even drafting ideas of what to say, and I got my first 45 reviews that day. And I'm not saying this moved the needle very much in growth, but what it did do is that action, that willingness to kind of be bold and put myself out there, spoke to what I was willing to do in the future.

And so many people launch their podcast kind of quietly. They're a little embarrassed. They've never done this before, so they don't tell anybody about it. They might be kind of trying to do these little side growth things and it doesn't really work, but the energy that you're putting into it is of fear and is of holding yourself back.

And instead, I just went. Full force, like what is the biggest splash I can make with what I'm given at this moment? And every time I was willing to do an action, I didn't know how I was gonna grow my podcast from the beginning at all, but this is the only idea that's coming. Let me actually take action.

So I started to build a self-belief that I was the type of person to put myself out there and take action. And then when I reach that next [00:35:00] level, new ideas would come to me and I would actually take action on those and then new ideas would come to me there. And so. That first action that I was willing to do, even if it was a small thing.

Started to change my mindset and expand it. That gave me more and more ideas. But the thing that ended up moving the needle the most was at the time Apple wasn't updating new and noteworthy. That was the biggest thing that you could get. Like, oh my gosh, my new podcast, it's now featured on this list.

Well, apple hadn't updated that in 18 months, so that's a limitation.

Building Relationships and Networking

Melissa: Instead of being bummed that Apple wasn't focusing on their podcast app, I. I thought to myself, who is featuring things, and I found people that were writing about podcasts and I found third party apps that had their own featured section, and I made a point to start building relationships with the people in their marketing team that were actually crafting those things.

So I'd find them on LinkedIn and I would find them on Twitter, and I'd start retweeting stuff and replying to things and then. My name started standing out to them. So when I reached out [00:36:00] and said, Hey, I have a podcast that I think is really unique, that should be featured, they were more willing to listen 'cause they already knew who I was.

But then my podcast had to be good enough for them to wanna feature it. And so I thought to myself, how can I make my podcast stand out in this market?

Innovative Podcasting Techniques

Melissa: It was a self-development podcast. They were all kind of typical in their interview style. So if you go back to my first 20 episodes, I had a 20 episode plan where I was gonna make them completely different and I would spend about eight hours editing where people would be telling some story about their life.

And I would add sound effects like an abusive boyfriend throwing the keys on the counter or, or grabbing the keys and. Speeding off, and I would have the sound of keys falling and an engine revving up, and so I needed to make my podcast stand out. I knew that if I did that with every episode forever, I would get burnt out.

But I could do that for 20 episodes. So when I was pitching my podcast, I'd say, Hey, listen to this episode at this timestamp, and they'd hear how immersive it was [00:37:00] and they. Almost everybody that I reached out to because they started to know who I was. 'cause I put in that effort. I gave them value by retweeting their stuff or sharing their stuff.

And then I also actually had a quality show. I was featured in Spotify. I was featured in Cast Box, I was featured in Overcast, and it took a lot of work and creativity. But I was thinking about how can I create something of value that stands out? How can I build these relationships, all of those things together and to where not only was my podcast featured, but I ended up knowing enough people that I spoke at Podcast Movement on podcast growth six months after I launched my show.

I've spoken at podcast. I was invited on stage with Jordan Harbinger on a panel. I was invited on stage with Pat Flynn, all because of those relationships that I develop, and some of them were even like I paid. $700 to be in, and I didn't even have money at this time. I put it all on a credit card to be in Pat Flynn's course so that I could develop a relationship with him [00:38:00] so that I could be in his community and add value.

So a lot of it started with adding as much value as I could and really trusting that would pay off. And sometimes it would be a long-term thing. It wasn't right away. I was invited on Pat Flynn's podcast like eight months after I got to know him. So you have to be willing to put in that work and, and people always want some.

One growth hack. But even the things that seemed like a hack wouldn't have worked if I didn't put that effort into the quality of my show and building those relationships, which were long-term routes to take. But that's how I did it. And there there was a lot more ideas that came to me that I could speak to, but we'd be here for hours.

But those ideas started to come after I was taking the action and trusting that I could do this. I could put myself out there without dying and it would all work out Nice.

Sam Studio sound: Wow. Yeah. That's, that's such a cool story. Um, I'm definitely taking notes of my own information. Uh, yeah. In general, I also love how you just showed up with the energy and [00:39:00] mindset to go that little bit extra because. I think people really notice it. Like I can remember the hosts of my first million talking about their show growth, which um, was insane.

But they found that their biggest lever by far for getting better results was simply investing more time in research for each episode. So that meant that they could share more things that people had never heard of, or just better ideas that were more developed and, and that was just so much better than just trying to come up with stuff on the fly in the episode.

So yeah, thanks for your lessons there on the importance of like just bothering to go that extra mile. Like , because I think people can always tell when you show up with the energy, love, care to go beyond the basic requirements and just explore the whole giant space of your actual potential that's there waiting for you.

Very growth mindset answer there. Thanks, Melissa.

All right. Uh, final question now. What is the kindest thing, or simply just a kind and memorable thing that someone has done for you?

Personal Memories and Reflections

Sam: It's funny because when I was [00:40:00] recalling as you asked that question, I wanted to think of some big moment, but what keeps. Popping out is actually not any big moment. It's just encouraging me to be myself and giving me permission, like that's okay. When we went through my story, I had a lot of issues with self-worth.

Melissa: I always seemed confident from the outside, but the amount of times that people told me that I was too much or too hyper or too big of a personality. As much as I felt I wanted to be confident in who I am, there was always a a little seed of self-doubt right after I did big things, and I think it was when I met my husband.

There have been times where he knows me well enough to where he could see that me do something with all this light and energy inside of me and then all of a sudden kind of dim myself out. And he would notice that and give me encouragement and just say, that was awesome. Or Don't worry about being too much for people.

You're just enough for the people, for the right people, or whatever it was. And even singing karaoke in the [00:41:00] car. I love to sing. It's not like I'm a professional or anything, but I just love doing it. It lights me up, but. I would never sing in front of people. And one day in the car he heard me kind of singing in a low voice and he is like, sing louder.

Like that was really good and now I'll sing whenever. And so it was really more so those little things that gave me the permission that I should have been giving myself, but instead a little outside help at the time was something that was helpful and needed. I think that's the kindest thing that anyone's ever done for me.

Sam Studio sound: Thanks. Yeah. Wow. Um, I love asking this question. Uh, also the answer perfectly wraps up the, uh, point earlier about the best relationship to the wands, where the person helps you lean into being yourself with your own little idrees. So, great call back there, uh, like we planned it. And on that, just before we wrap up, do you have any questions for me at all?

Melissa: What's your favorite part of podcasting and how'd you get here?

Sam Studio sound: Oh man. Yeah. This should be a simple answer that I somehow [00:42:00] feel the compulsion to share my entire life story of how I got here, but I'll, yeah, I'll try and keep it simple. I guess basically I, I'm super curious to the point where. In the wrong profession. It could be a bit of a learning addiction that might actually look like procrastination and it would get me away from actually doing any real work.

But under the right setting, like when I'm running a podcast, my annoying desire to ask lots of questions or learn about endless different topics and how the world works is actually kind of useful. And it's like I just get to sky off all day and follow my interests. So. That's great.

And then I guess I've also always been a bit of a philosophical thinker with like lots of ideas, like too many ideas, but I, I used to be a terrible storyteller and also just terrible at speaking.

And so it's been a privilege to have a job where I just get to work on getting better at doing the justice to all the ideas and stuff that bounces around in my head. So, [00:43:00] um, essentially it means that I don't feel like a crazy person with a ton of ideas stuck in my head that no one can understand 'cause I can't explain it to anyone.

And, um, , it's really cathartic. To actually get better at being able to explain what I think about, um, just for my own sanity and to also fulfill my own curiosities basically.

Melissa: I think curiosity is the best driver because it keeps us open-minded to the decision instead of making the decision based on thinking, we have it all figured out, so I love that.

Sam Studio sound: Thanks a lot.

Alright.

. Well, anywhere people should go to find you besides the Mind Love podcast, which is, uh, great , and I can totally recommend it.

Final Thoughts and Contact Information

Sam: Yeah. My website is mind love.com and I do have a daily email called The Morning Mind Love. That's just short notes of inspiration from your highest self. It helps you start the day on a positive note and you can sign up for that right on the homepage of Mind love.com or text the word morning to 3 3 7 7 7.

Melissa: Cool.

Sam: Cool. [00:44:00] Thank you so much.

Melissa: Thank you.

Outro

Sam Studio sound: all righty. That was Melissa Monte host of the Mind Love podcast and doesn't she have a good podcast voice aid? Ah, I'd love to. Here we go, talk about anything. But um, yes, there's questions that she asked herself that ultimately led to her ending up in podcasting, which in hindsight obviously makes so much sense now,

but those questions , were really good. And I think using questions like this to guide us can be a really powerful way to find direction in your life to help you really find that nice combination of what you're good at, what's purpose, what's useful, et cetera.

, so I'll give you a little reminder of those things. 'cause um, firstly, I totally related to her first story about starting that business, about gifts for kids, and essentially just doing something that made money that you actually don't care about at all.

And then I also started the travel business the same as her and found myself being like, damn, I really don't want to be at work when I'm traveling and I just wanna do traveling for myself. . But anyway, what she did after that was she [00:45:00] sat around and she asked herself, what is her purpose?

Accepting that she has lots of interests, , and she bothered to actually do the cheesy exercises at the end of books, which,

to things like asking when were your happiest moments and what were you feeling in those moments and why, what does your perfect day look like

and when have you felt most empowered and doing that? Like really asking yourself those questions. Writing about those things for like hours over days, weeks, will naturally lead you into learning more about your real values and interests. . And then the really important exercise that she did was the, um, one of sending a letter or email to like 10 people she knew well from different walks of life, like her roommate, friend, mom, sister, employer, employees, teacher, et cetera.

And asking them like, if you had a superpower, what would it be? And that's a really important lesson on like what your strengths are. That is often less obvious to you than it is to other people. And you'll really learn some things about yourself if you [00:46:00] do that, that you just wouldn't know otherwise.

And yeah, once you've got those results, you can go back to sort of really seeing how that aligns with the things that you want in your perfect day. . And also considering the things that you like get caught up on. Like remember, Melissa says she overthinks if she does too much writing or she doesn't like being on camera, et cetera.

And so when you have like a bunch of different lenses of the things that you're good at and the things that you're bad at, you can see what fits with what you actually want to be doing and can really help you get to a result that, in hindsight, could feel pretty obvious.

So. Hopefully those prompts helped you and good luck with that and thanks again for Melissa coming on the show and helping us out on the topic of being yourself right. I really enjoyed revisiting this episode with Melissa and remastering it, so I am looking forward to making more of these episodes over the coming months.

And I think Melissa mentioned perhaps something about how important it is to have good ratings on a podcast to help you grow it. So if some [00:47:00] wild reason your thumbs are feeling itchy, you are perhaps in a good mood and your feeling empowered by what you learned today. Well. Maybe you could channel that creative energy into a great review on your favorite podcast app for this show, and that would be great.

And, um, also, if you are searching for a new podcast, , my new show, how to Change the World would very much appreciate you listening to it because after all, we all need a little help when we launch a new thing , and I'm pretty sure you'll love it. Righty hope, take it easy. Catch you next week.

Thank you so much for listening. Go you. Your consistency to reach the end of an episode is legendary, my hero. If you have any ideas or feedback for the show, I'm always interested to hear from you. You're the best studies show. We need time for information to sink in, so I'm going to give you a five second pause, silence to reflect on one idea from the show before you jump back [00:48:00] into your busy life.

Ready and go.