Why Wisdom Isn't About Age - And what really defines maturity

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The Wisdom of Youth

Sam: Have you ever noticed how dull grownups are? They have no imagination. They never run around. They never climb trees. They always tell us to be careful. Slow down, calm down. Well, us kids are braver. We are more active and always ready for adventure. I never want to be like an adult. So wrote Alistair Humphreys in his book,

The girl who rode the ocean,

As humans, we will often find ourselves tragically lost in the no man's land between our desire to grow up as fast as possible, whilst at the same time never wanting to grow up at all.

and today we are going to uncover what is behind wisdom and maturity and build a calmer and more rational, compassionate version of both of these things. For ourselves.

Well, hello and welcome to the Growth Mindset Podcast with me, [00:01:00] Sam Webster Harris, where we are unpacking the psychology of self-improvement.

And of course, today's topic of wisdom.

Outgrowing the Need to Prove Yourself

Sam: and I will start with the fact that I really used to love partying and just getting completely wasted. It's not really a confession as such, but anyway, I just loved losing myself in the moment. Necking beers after beers, squeezing as much joy as I could possibly fit into a second on just soaking myself in pure unad adult content

And those broken, blurry, hazy memories of youth Felt like a night well spent, but then one day. It stopped being fun. I became older and wiser. Perhaps an awareness seeped over me, pointing out my follies. I guess perhaps being outta control and not remembering half my evenings was lacking something.

Waking up with a massive hangover, empty pockets back when you actually put [00:02:00] money in your pockets. that did become increasingly painful and inconvenient and Maybe a little bit less funny, instead a more sober evening where I could still be happy. I don't mind dancing when I'm sober.

It felt perfectly nice. I had nothing to prove to anyone. I knew I could drink faster than anyone in a drinking game if I wanted to, but I lost the desire. To show it to anyone and the gift of waking up with more money in my pockets and time to do things during the day. It created a weekend that you could actually play with and do stuff with.

just imagine if you discovered a whole extra day of the week that didn't exist before. Like what? Joy. Now this doesn't mean I am. Necessarily wiser than any one person who chooses to still get wasted. But it can only mean that I am wiser within myself for my own situation as I currently perceive it, and you know, I might even be [00:03:00] wrong, I might change my mind in the future.

The Shifting Joys of Travel

Sam: A different example could be travel. When I used to travel, I just rebelled in seeing as many places as quickly as possible. The world is so large and there is so little time. I excitedly stuffed new countries into my passport with the same haste that I'd be stuffing items into my backpack to leave it.

After a few nights, maybe in one place I'd be dashing off to a new country. Every land held the suspense of finding new fruits. Like literally, I really like fruit, but also a wider metaphor for the general atmosphere of a country. So new fruits I'd never seen before, and then the possibility that what I grew up as thinking my top five fruits, I really do like fruit by the way.

but that my top five fruits or my top five of anything wasn't a static list that it had been for my whole life. Up until then, and that it could actually be changing from new discoveries. that blew my mind. I was so excited to explore [00:04:00] everything. just fresh sights, mysterious people, unique smells, distinct rhythms.

It's just bliss to be harvesting the bounty of new frontiers.

And then now, quite frankly, I can't be asked with dashing about, Moving all the time is so beyond me. The hassle, the pain, repacking my bags, unpacking my bags, repacking my bags, it just fills me with dread. As much as approaching a new border where I'll have to wait in lines, I might get rejected.

I think there'll be issues like the idea that I once enjoyed queuing for Aons to then have some skeptical official hold my fate in their hands. is beyond my current understanding and my passport has plenty of stamps. I've been to like 65 countries. I've been to North Korea.

I don't need to see that many places. I had a list of like a hundred countries I had to see, and now I'm like, I've got another 40 years where there's 10 countries I perhaps would like to somehow get round to in this next 40 years. [00:05:00] Because to be honest, my thing these days is like the slow burn of contentment yielded from staying somewhere for like at least three months, maybe a year or two.

I'm not in a rush. It takes time to make real friendships and to learn a local language, not just speaking a few words, but speaking with like the eyes, the heart,

And not just like hearing the first rhythm of a culture, but like dancing with it and being a part of it. Just immersing yourself, like diving deep into an ocean instead of just taking a very quick shower. and it also gives me the chance to geek out with, like tinkering with new routines. I love building different ways of being for like a longer amount of time.

And testing completely different lifestyles and that takes a lot of time for me to like settle into working out what sort of habits and routines work and to be creative

And understanding that it takes a lot of time for a novel place to start surprising you with new forms of your own self-expression. And then [00:06:00] there's the fact that my heart also truly sings going back to places I've already been and breathing fresh life into the old friendships that I have to like reconnect with someone after 10 years and learn of their trials and tribulations from someone else And their experiences as we traverse the same moments in time, the same decade, but in completely different places and situations, and see progress, sea stagnation, see heartbreak, elation. It's so nice and my change of attitude to the whole thing is a reflection of my growing wisdom within myself and my choices

But who am I to judge the wisdom of someone else for their preferences of travel style? I could only laugh at how much I would dislike someone else's choices, but I could never say their choice is wrong.

Finding Thrills Closer to Home

Sam: And now we can talk about Alistair Humphreys. The man whose quote I first started with. he is an author and adventurer and he used to live for very macho style adventures. not that he's really like an alpha male type person, but he just loves doing sort of bonkers [00:07:00] things like crossing deserts by foot.

He cycled around the world, took four years doing it. He spent a month hiking unsupported through Iceland without seeing any other people carrying all of his food and just risking his own life and limbs to truly feel alive during his adventures, his eyes would light up at the opportunity to push the boundaries of his body.

He would only be able to register interest in expeditions if he didn't know if he'd even be able to do it. And for him being so remote from the rest of the world felt like connecting with what it means to be a human. Whereas now, he likes to be based at home and see his kids every day for adventure.

He finds thrill enough in the simple joys of climbing a tree, jumping into a river, Instead of sleeping in his bed, sometimes he'll just camp on a nearby hill and waking up at sunrise on the local hill is still a night under the stars, whether it's on the other side of the world or not. Because if you think about it, the relevant distance between you and the [00:08:00] sun or the stars is so unfathomably massive that the distance between your house and the hill next door versus the hill on the other side of the world is inconsequential compared to that distance to look at the stars.

And the effect of looking at the universe is much the same. and he loves the concept of micro adventures and uncovering opportunities to surprise himself within a mile of his house. he's now written a book about exploring the entire map grid for the a hundred kilometers squared around his house

and exploring every backstreet and nook and cranny of the things around him And he is very wise within himself.

Avoiding Judgment of Others' Paths

Sam: Now, that doesn't mean that I am wrong if I want to cycle around the world or row across the Atlantic or kayak the Yukon, or if anybody else wanted to do those things.

Those are all things that Alistair has done himself in the years past. He no longer holds the same need for them now, and he is wiser in his own choices. Equally when he was younger and he was doing those things, Alistair was also [00:09:00] perfectly wise within himself to do the things that made him happy., And he's now just as wise to do different things that make him happy. He wouldn't look down on me as foolish person as such 'cause I want to do them. It's just a different point in my time and my preferences. Perhaps a similar path. Perhaps not. Who knows?

And the point I'm getting at here is that people can find joy in activity that we are now much too wise or mature to delight in, but they are not necessarily foolish in the future. Our current actions will seem very naive to our older and wiser selves. It might even feel like we were wasting our time carelessly fritting it away.

With no appreciation for what it means to truly live a good life or something like that.

Helping Others Find Their Own Aligned Path

Sam: However, I would say that foolishness is not changing with the seasons of our life. Wisdom is reacting to our shifts in desires and our needs. Correctly.

Foolishness is doing things we think will make us happy, [00:10:00] but do not. Wisdom is making choices that most align with our happiness at that time.

variety. We're having a short break for our advertisers that keep the show running. and then we'll be back to hear some ideas on what is good advice and how can we actually be a helpful and wise person for others.

Sam: And very importantly here is the fact that we can't decide for someone else what is the wisest choice, because we can't know their preferences or the path that they should be on

if they're clearly depressed because of their actions. We might, I. Try and help them find their way, not the way, not our way, but to find our way that will one day become their way.

If they often become angry or sad due to avoidable and self-inflicted choices, we might try to find a way to help them see their follies. We can't judge the path they choose to solve their own problems [00:11:00] when they need to change. We can only lend them a hand to speed them along in whichever direction they wish to go in.

Redefining Maturity

Sam: In fact, I would go as far as to say that maturity is actually knowing that you honestly don't know anything and you shouldn't be judging anything. Everything that you need to teach anybody else lies purely in your patience and your kindness. Everything that they need to know, they will teach themselves.

If you can be that wise friend to help them, then yes, they will find it within themselves soon enough.

So when you find yourself perched on a high horse, looking down on others, it's time to get off that horse. It's not your place, it's not your obligation. It's not your duty to elevate others to your level.

It's wiser to keep them centered on whatever level is right for them at the time. You shouldn't be hastily pushing them off in search of new wisdom for wisdom's sake. And like an absurd example that makes the point is what use is behaving like an 80-year-old if you're [00:12:00] 10 years old, like so why rush to behave like a 50-year-old?

If you're 45? our only duty, if there is one at all, is to add power to whatever others do, to add speed to the currents of their life when they need to be flowing and making progress and at other times, help them build the dams to hold themselves in place when they need stability, just help them find the best chance of being in the right place at the right time, appreciating their moments and nothing else.

Redefining Wisdom

Sam: And so after pondering this for a while, I think we can redefine the poor definition of wisdom that we predominantly believe. 'cause currently wisdom is a concept we associate with age and experience, and that is of course, a factor.

Yet the 20-year-old Michael Jordan had the wisdom to work harder than anybody else to become the best basketball player in the world long before he had any age or experience.

He just [00:13:00] focused on what he knew would make him happy.

Kids have the wisdom to enjoy playing so much so that they might even lose concern for things like eating or washing, but. That's what they should be doing. They, they also question what's around them with a wisdom that most adults don't have. And on the subject of adults, some very old adults with years of experience.

Might be easily annoyed by the choices of others, and I would define that as unwise, letting their own emotions be tossed around by their expectations of how the world should be, how others should be. That is the thinking of a fool. Instead, they should learn to appreciate things as they are.

So when we think about wisdom as far as the quality of good judgment and sensible thinking, We should also factor in the time-based concept of wisdom [00:14:00] and accepting your own needs as they are at your time in life. And acceptance of those needs of others

rather than prescribing what we think people should be doing

and there you have it. I feel that in the self-improvement area, there is so much Prescriptive advice of do this, do that from people who don't know you and don't know what you need to be doing. And there isn't enough of like question this question that.

How do you slow down when you want to slow down? How do you speed up when you want to speed up? And these are the things that really excite me and hopefully you enjoy them.

Also,

Send off

Sam:

So I guess that summing this all up definitely is part of the reason why I have a bit of an analogy to a lot of self-help advice and the idea of coaching in general if it's the case where people just tell you what to do, but there are plenty of good ways to do coaching and for myself, I still haven't offered a formal coaching option to podcast listeners, but I have been thinking about it so.

Let me know if [00:15:00] you have been looking for a mindset, business or creative coach who is more interested in helping you discover yourself and get the most out of who you are, rather than just telling you what is right and wrong , and what they think you should be doing. 'cause that's definitely my style and it doesn't work for everyone.

But the right people I do really click with and get some really great results.

So you can email me at Growth Mindset podcast@gmail.com if you're interested. And regardless if you want to chat to me for free about anything, then I have slots on Wednesday afternoons that you can book and any listener is loud. One free call with me because I am a curious and friendly person, and there is a link in the description to do just that.

And now, now on the topic of my listener calls, I have recently had a few calls on Wednesdays, 'cause that's what I do on Wednesdays. And all of the lovely people I spoke with, uh, had a great chat.

Really enjoyed it. And none of them had heard about my new show, which. I was surprised by it. 'cause I feel like I've been talking about it [00:16:00] a bit, but apparently not enough. So on that, I have a new show called How to Change the World. It's about. The history of innovation and just to state this theory clearly, I have launched a new show, which means that it won't appear in this feed for the Growth Mindset Psychology podcast.

It is a different podcast that you have to find separately in your podcast player and subscribe to it, et cetera. In the new show, I documented the entire history of innovation from big carry concepts like language in the wheel to the modern day with ideas like the internet.

Now I'm doing this journey in chronological order, which means it's gonna take me 10, maybe 15 years to cover the entire history of human civilization. And in the process, I get to go beyond just like technology, because. Ideas of the size of things like the internet or being able to speak to other humans, has of course some serious changes on society and psychology.

And I get to explore lots of different fields as we wrap our heads [00:17:00] around how the world works and how to fix it. So, you know, what does drive changes in politics, economics, law, et cetera.

Are horses the most important thing you've never thought of? Who knows?

Either way. I think it's fascinating to learn about how we did just make up society as we know it.

And I'd love to have you on board with me as I go through the show. It started a few months ago, and I'm delighted to say that I have just been featured by Apple Podcasts, which is a, a really big achievement for me as I am just a random dude that likes reading a lot and lives by the beach in Portugal.

and if you know much about podcasts, you might know that. These days, they're basically all run by networks with producers and writers and editors and everything. And actually being an independent podcaster is not the easy, simple thing it used to be back in the old days. So if you would like to support some more indicators so that they go and do hard things like document the entire history of innovation, well you can subscribe to my new show called How to Change the [00:18:00] World in whatever app that you use to get your podcasts, and I'll be super grateful on that.

That's enough of me plugging myself and have a lovely day

Thank you so much for listening. Go you. Your consistency to reach the end of an episode is legendary, my hero. If you have any ideas or feedback for the show, I'm always interested to hear from you. You're the best studies show. We need time for information to sink in, so I'm going to give you a five second pause, silence to reflect on one idea from the show before you jump back into your busy life.

Ready and go.